by Gordon Neufeld, Gabor Md Mate
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Product Description
A psychologist with a reputation for penetrating to the heart of complex parenting issues joins forces with a physician and bestselling author to tackle one of the most disturbing and misunderstood trends of our time -- peers replacing parents in the lives of our children.
Dr. Neufeld has dubbed this phenomenon peer orientation, which refers to the tendency of children and youth to look to their peers for direction: for a sense of right and wrong, for values, identity and codes of behaviour. But peer orientation undermines family cohesion, poisons the school atmosphere, and fosters an aggressively hostile and sexualized youth culture. It provides a powerful explanation for schoolyard bullying and youth violence; its effects are painfully evident in the context of teenage gangs and criminal activity, in tragedies such as in Littleton, Colorado; Tabor, Alberta and Victoria, B.C. It is an escalating trend that has never been adequately described or contested until Hold On to Your Kids. Once understood, it becomes self-evident -- as do the solutions.
Hold On to Your Kids will restore parenting to its natural intuitive basis and the parent-child relationship to its rightful preeminence. The concepts, principles and practical advice contained in Hold On to Your Kids will empower parents to satisfy their children’s inborn need to find direction by turning towards a source of authority, contact and warmth.
Something has changed. One can sense it, one can feel it, just not find the words for it. Children are not quite the same as we remember being. They seem less likely to take their cues from adults, less inclined to please those in charge, less afraid of getting into trouble. Parenting, too, seems to have changed. Our parents seemed more confident, more certain of themselves and had more impact on us, for better or for worse. For many, parenting does not feel natural. Adults through the ages have complained about children being less respectful of their elders and more difficult to manage than preceding generations, but could it be that this time it is for real? -- from Hold On to Your Kids
From the Hardcover edition.
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Average Customer Review:
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful:
 Get your magnifying glass out - - , 2008-10-09
The content is excellent, and I am ordering another 12 copies as gifts. Everyone should read this book. I agree with what other reviewers have said. Take note, however, the type-font throughout this book is about 8 points. It's a strain on the eye even if you have 20/20 vision. It's worth reading, so just buy a cheap pair of higher magnitude reading glasses.
0 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
 Excellent! Could Have Written It Myself!, 2008-09-11
A hundred notes in the margins and 90% of this book underlined... yeah, I loved this book. If you're one of those parents that just knows deep down in their heart that all this peer obsession is just plain wrong and NOT what the world says it is; (just good old-fashioned teen friendship & rebellion, a phase they will grow out of) then this book is going to speak to that insightful heart. All of my daughters went through this peer obsession, it destroyed our family, the stress of it all contributed greatly to my developing cancer, and eventually, more or less, they grew out of it, HOWEVER, if anyone thinks it is a phase that has no consequences, beware. Not only can it destroy families and cause hard feelings for years, but the kids that go through it are socially stunted, they have no idea what true respect is, not even for themselves and their values are completely screwed up. I WISH I had had this book when it all began. No one was on my side, no matter how desperate or depressed I became trying to tell them what was happening, everyone just brushed me off as over-reactive, square or just plain overbearing. Reading this book was healing to ME however because in the aftermath it tells me I was not wrong, I saw something others did not and I was a good, moral and loving mother. For the most part the relationships between myself and my daughters, even the most over-the-top one, have been repaired, but I think there will always be a small part of me that remains forever hurt by the cruel heartless things peer oriented kids said and did to me. Get this book if your kids are starting down this road, maybe you can spare your family the damage mine went through.
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful:
THE BOOK on parenting, 2008-09-06
It is a long book for a simple idea of what its seems to be the root of the problems of parenting, the fact that all humans need someone to understand who we are, a compass point. When this compass point is the parent this turn out as it should. But when peers enter the equation is like an affair in a marriage, kids search for love and approval in the wrong places and this result in endless problems.
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
 Good thinking, but SO painful to read, 2008-08-27
Negative negative negative. Repetitive repetitive repetitive.
I usually "eat up" good parenting books, especially "radical idea" parenting books, but this one made me nauseous at each subsequent "bite." The authors do have many MANY good points, and I feel somewhat bad only giving it two stars, because there is a lot of good thinking in here, but I had to because their delivery/writing style was so incredibly painful, I could barely read the thing.
I found the tone extremely negative, sometimes "alarmist", often condescending, and most frustrating was just how repetitive they were in making their points. I found myself starting to skip sentences, then paragraphs, then sections, then almost whole chapters. (Though I had to consciously convince myself to not do that, as I did feel I might miss something...)
The main take aways from this book are:
a) encourage your children to be very emotionally close to you - not just as babies (where they are by default) but as children and teens too, be a big part of their lives - a bigger part than their peers.
b) if you don't...you AND your children could be in for tough times later on.
I'd say about 90% of the book describes those tough times and then the remaining 10% addresses how to resolve the issue.
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful:
A real 'Must' For Parents and Mentors, 2008-05-21
If you've ever thought that your kids just don't live on the same planet as you, and wonder why they abhor your company in favour of their peers, read this book.
Parents with kids of any age, and anyone working with kids (and their parents or care-givers) should read this book. The earlier in their lives the better, as it gives a very clear and compelling treatment of the issues of 'attachment' and the consequences of not achieving this well.
Despite feeling towards the middle like attachment issues are at the root of all ills, it makes a very persuasive case and goes on to offer some good advice as to what we can do about it.
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