by Mark Goulston, Philip Goldberg
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Product Description
Procrastination...Envy...Anger...Self-pity...Compulsion....In any of its many forms, self-defeating behavior is the single most common reason that people seek psychotherapy. It is a poison that prevents people from achieving the love, success, and happiness they desire. Get Out of Your Own Way is an antidote, explaining the reasons for self-sabotage by going back to the childhood origins of various behaviors. With anecdotes and usable insights drawn from twenty years of psychiatric clinical practice, Dr. Mark Goulston shares ideas that have helped thousands of patients overcome pain, fear, and confusion-to approach life's challenges with dignity, wisdom, courage, and even humor.
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Average Customer Review:
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful:
 What a great series!, 2008-09-18
Definitely on my recommended book list. A must read for women in business.
Susan Bock
The Success Coach for Women in Business
www.SusanBockSolutions.com
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful:
How to avoid or overcome self-defeating behavior, 2008-08-05
As I began to read this book, I recalled the core concepts in The Knowing-Doing Gap co-authored by Jeffrey Pfeffer and Robert Sutton. Briefly, they assert that "so many managers know so much about organizational performance, say so many smart things about how to achieve performance, and work so hard, yet are trapped in firms that do so many things they know will undermine performance." Many (most?) people have a "gap" between knowing what to do and doing it, not only at work but in all other areas of their lives. How to close this gap? Mark Goulston and Philip Goldberg believe that a self-defeating attitude results in self-defeating behavior...and I agree.
Goulston and Goldberg identify 40 different examples of self-defeating behavior and briefly discuss each, also including relevant quotations and a "Usable Insight" for each. I immediately identified with several (as will other readers) and, after reading "10 Things You Can Learn from Each" and then the Introduction: "How to Beat Self-Defeat," zeroed in on caught my eye. Here are five:
#6 Behavior: Getting So Angry When you Make Things Worse
Comment: I have far more patience with others' mistakes than I have with my own and really become upset when others are somehow victimized by what I have said or done, albeit unintentionally.
Usable Insight: "Anger makes you wild, but conviction makes you strong." Perhaps.
#16 Behavior: Trying to Change Others
Comment: Psychologists call this the "Rescue Fantasy." It can also be an indication of arrogance. Whatever the explanation, I hate to give up on anyone and become very upset with those who give up on themselves.
Usable Insight: "Don't try to change people; accept them as they are and hope they'll change." Easier said than done, especially with loved ones.
#18 Behavior: Talking When Nobody's Listening
Comment: I wish I had a $10 bill for every time I totally lost the attention of someone in a conversation without realizing it and and continued to babble on.
Usable Insight: "When people stop listening, stop talking."
#25 Behavior: Refusing to "Play Games"
Comment: Although I realize that playing several "games is inevitable (e.g. pretending to enjoy encountering someone in a social situation that you dislike intensely), and that each has its own "rules," I much prefer candor.
Usable Insight: "The best defense against game-playing is to play the game well." OK but only so long as, when doing so, others are not deceived...or their trust betrayed.
#31 Behavior: Holding It All In
Comment: This is a first cousin of #19. Too often, I am reluctant to express either positive or negative emotions in an effort to seem under control in charge, and (yes) vulnerable. When described as a "tough read," I accept that as a compliment.
Usable Insight: "Having the horror heard helps to heal the heart." That's certainly alliterative but, in my opinion, ignores the perils of increasing compression that exacerbates pressures that are already building up.
Goulston and Goldberg offer an abundance of sound advice. It remains for each reader to determine which of the self-defeating behaviors are most relevant to her or him, then make whatever behavior adjustments may be necessary. The authors suggest that the book be read straight through. I chose to take a different approach. Either way is fine. It is imperative to read "10 Things You Can Learn from Each" and then the Introduction: "How to Beat Self-Defeat" first. The extent to which a reader is receptive to improvement of mindset and behavior will determine whether reading this book is a journey of meaningful self-discovery or an extended exercise in self-delusion. Reader's choice.
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful:
 Identify behavior errors, 2008-05-29
This book lists several behavior flaws and offers suggestions to overcome them. The suggestions are vague and do not provide a true process to follow. Basically the book helps you identify the flaws and tells you what would be better behavior. Now go do it........
0 of 7 people found the following review helpful:
 don't waste your moneyh, 2008-03-27
This is just a sorry book. Not a true self help book at all.
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
 Great for Beginners, 2007-09-28
This is an excellent book for anyone trying to determine their self-defeating behaviors. My favorite aspect of this book is the quick "Usable Insights" at the end of each mini chapter. For example, Chapter 12 is titled "Focusing on What Your Partner is Doing Wrong." The Usable Insight at the end of this chapter is "If you really want to work on your relationship, watch your partner's efforts, not just your own" (Goulston and Goldberg 52). The authors then provide seven bullets on how you can use this insight in the "Taking Action" section.
Although I enjoyed this book, I only gave it four stars because I think it is somewhat geared towards self-help beginners. If you have read many self-help books of this nature, most of the discussion in this book will be old hat for you. I personally did not find any new insights, but it was a good way to refresh knowledge I learned from previous books. Also, the book does not provide any in depth analysis ever. It breezes through the sections very quickly, and provides more of an overview of the larger problem. If you have a very serious self-defeating behavior, you will want to find a book geared specifically towards that area.
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