When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You

We've all had friendships that have gone bad. Whether it takes the form of a simple yet inexplicable estrangement or a devastating betrayal, a failed friendship can make your life miserable, threaten your success at work or school, and even undermine your romantic relationships.

Finally there is help. In When Friendship Hurts, Jan Yager, recognized internationally as a leading expert on friendship, explores what causes friendships to falter and explains how to mend them -- or end them. In this straightforward, illuminating book filled with dozens of quizzes and real-life examples, Yager covers all the bases, including:

The first highly prescriptive book to focus on the complexities of friendship, When Friendship Hurts demonstrates how, why, and when to let go of bad friends and how to develop the positive friendships that enrich our lives on every level. For everyone who has ever wondered about friends who betray, hurt, or reject them, this authoritative book provides invaluable insights and advice to resolve the problem once and for all.

Amazon.com
Does anything hurt worse than betrayal by a close friend? Sociologist and friendship expert Jan Yager (Friendshifts: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives) explores failed, hurtful, and destructive friendships in When Friendship Hurts.

The book describes 21 types of potentially negative friends. The "Rival," for example, is envious to the point of malice. The "Blood-sucker" expects you to be there every moment. The "Controller" must be in charge of everything, from where you meet for lunch to whom you date. Yager lays out strategies for dealing with the problems when you want to keep the friendship, while also warning about extreme behavior and discussing triggers that lead to friendship conflicts, such as jealousy, anger, and change (of marital status or job, for example). Yager also guides you to examine your own destructive or harmful traits and recognize patterns in your family background that affect your friendships.

Overall, this book will help you learn how to deal with destructive friendships--when and how to save them, when and how to end them, and how to cope when a business friendship goes wrong. Yager, who has appeared on Oprah and other TV programs, also encourages you to celebrate the joys of positive friendships. --Joan Price

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All Customer Reviews
Average Customer Review:
0 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

An Amazing Resource for Friends of All Kinds , 2008-08-11
In this digital age, where human contact and personal, lasting relationships must withstand the pulls of virtualization through MacBooks, Iphones, and Blackberries, real friendship has taken on a whole new level of importance. In her book WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS, Dr. Jan Yager advises on how to make the best of companionships, whether they are between best, close, or casual friends, or just acquaintances. She brings up an excellent point about confidentiality and how it is easier to maintain between two individuals than among a large group of friends. Her discussion of high school cliques really addresses the woes of the younger generation, and could certainly be useful to parents of teenagers as well as to the youths themselves. She also talks about professional relationships to reach out to those of all ages in the working world.

I found many of Dr. Yager's points about friendship to be issues I have noticed in my own life but never really thought to explore. She is right on with the cons of "triangle friendships," and how you know you truly care about somebody when genuine happiness overrides jealousy in a situation when he or she succeeds. Dr. Yager handles jealousy particularly well by explaining some of its possible origins, as well as noting that while a small amount can reasonably exist between friends, too much is potentially very harmful to a relationship. The book also contains quizzes to keep the reader actively involved and allow them to think about the book in light of their personal lives.

A large portion of Dr. Yager's book directly advises readers on how to distinguish a healthy relationship from a destructive one and how to deal with many of matters threatening to tarnish a friendship. She discusses different ways to deal with change, depression, and the qualities of sensitivity, negativity, and perfectionism. I know I could personally benefit from the "IBB" or "Interest-Based Bargaining" model, which suggests phrasing sentences in the best possible way to achieve what you want in a specific friendship situation.

Overall, I found Dr. Yager's book thoughtful, well-researched, realistic, and applicable to anybody who has friends or is planning on making some in their lifetime. She covers all the bases and analyzes every possible aspect and situation. With poignant examples, detailed descriptions, and wonderful advice, Dr. Yager educates us on the qualities of relationships worth keeping, as well as the signs that a tie needs to be broken. Nobody wants a rotten friendship. Life is just too short.



2 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

I loved this book!, 2008-02-26
I would have given this book four stars but the print is way too small to make it an easy book to read (at least for my eyes)!
The information within the book is extremely helpful and well worth struggling with the font size however.


2 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Content great!, 2007-12-23
This book really has wonderful & valuable material BUT the font size is TOO small & very difficult to get through it all. I would guess the print size to be 8 pt. or 10 pt. but does not make for comfortible reading. Author gives great questions & subjects to ask self & covers so many issues that need attention before you can be honest with yourself about a friendship break-up. In my situation I feel I was TOO good a friend, so I am able to walk away with no regrets even though, yes, I was abandoned, betrayed & my hurts are very real, deep & sad.


1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

It's OK to end "bad" friendships, 2007-11-07
During the last few years I've had several friendships end . . . and friendships I question the value in continuing. I've been doubting my own judgement and standards regarding my friends (or "friends" as the case may be!).

This book aims to help readers understand why they select "bad" friends, and also ease embarassment related to failed friendships. The author talks about the motivation behind some of the actions of "friends." Readers are reassured that it's OK to end friendships.

The book includes valuable information for parents, for evaluating their kids' friedships to see if they're negative or harmful to the kids.

After reading this book, I understand at least a little more what's behind the actions of former friends, and I know that cutting off the hurtful, negative friendships was the right thing for me to do.


1 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

A n Interesting &Thoughful Discussion of Frienships, 2007-09-13
Painstakingly researched and annotated, Jan Yager adroitly translates the psychology of friendships - both healthy and unhealthy - in clear understandable style.

In one of her studies she determined that over two-thirds of the participants had been betrayed by someone they considered a friend, which is why she wrote the book. The stages of reaction and recovery mimic those of the five stages of grief but with somewhat different alternatives. Sometimes you may wish to continue a friendship from a distance if the person benefits you in some way. Sometimes you may need to turn the figure around and look at what you might have done.

I read this book on a plane ride to a reunion with two very long-term friends who grew up with me and lived on the same street (A canceled flight and misrouted luggage provided ample time). As kids, our small group walked to school, came home for lunch, and ran in a pack. We added members as they moved in and out and stayed out long after dark playing hide and seek. The whole neighborhood knew us and kept our parents posted.

Our lives took different paths and locations, but we remain friends. It's curious since we are now all retired that we have reunited twice now for vacations and will likely do so again. I read to them the twenty-one characteristics of destructive friendships. Each of us could put one or more names with most characteristics, but it was usually a relative or someone with whom we worked. Our conclusion was that those who commit any of the destructive behaviors were never friends at all.

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