by David Schnarch
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Product Description
This pioneering work opens whole new lines of thought and will benefit many couples.Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D.,author of The New Male SexualityA classic.William H. Maters, M.D.
Amazon.com Review
People joke that the start of a couple's marriage means the end of their sex life. David Schnarch, a sex therapist praised by Pepper Schwartz, uses epiphany-laden conversations taken directly from his own marriage and the married couples he sees in practice to help readers defy the myth that marriages are necessarily passionless, and instead prove that the longer a couple has been together, the higher the fireworks can fly. It's especially aimed at older couples who, Schnarch says, are self-actualized and therefore better able to handle intimacy than younger partners. "People have difficulty with intimacy because they're supposed to," he says, and goes on in this inspiring book to combine elements of marriage therapy and sex therapy to bring plenty of practical, fresh ideas to the crowd of mostly vapid relationship books. (Note that despite its title, it's for any emotionally committed couple, not just married folks.) Schnarch says that a man is more likely to let a relationship suffer in order to hold on to his sense of self, while a woman is more apt to let her identity suffer to help strengthen it. Schnarch gives explicit tips on how to alter this pattern, an essential step he calls "differentiation." He also explains why compromise isn't always the best route to take when conflicts arise. The couples profiled here deal with the usual suspects: uneven sexual desire and initiation, battles about oral sex, self-image problems, the "boondoggle" of trust (both of one's self and one's partner), and the specter of divorce. Instead of focusing on each client's weaknesses, Schnarch teaches how to find inner strength and resilience that can be used to reaffirm a relationship and reignite sex. William H. Masters of Masters and Johnson fame calls this book "a classic," and no wonder. --Erica Jorgensen
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Average Customer Review:
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful:
 Different, But Effective, 2008-12-02
While many therapists and books focus on how you can accommodate and compromise with your partner, this book takes a completely different approach to working with couples who are having difficulties within their relationships. What I see happen over the course of time, couples who focus on making each other happy, end up resentful that their partner isn't contributing to the same degree, which results in withholding of love rather than continuous giving.
David Schnarch looks at relationships from another perspective...instead of looking for validation from your partner, learn to look within. Through this process, couples can begin to give from the best place within themselves, rather than out of feeling obligated, or doing things just to "keep the peace," or "because my partner wants me to." These type of actions end up causing disconnect within the relationship, reducing intimacy & the quality of the relationship overall.
David's approach is poignant and allows couples to be "real" with themselves as well as with each other, resulting in a deeper, more connected, more intimate relationship. I definitely recommend this book to any couple who is struggling to find intimacy in their relationship.
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful:
Amazing Break throughs, 2008-10-16
I bought this book and another marital self-help book at the same time. I'm happy I read this book second because the first book caused more damage then good, better to have the trouble out of the way first.
While reading this book, I saw a lot of my own marriage in the characters. It was odd yet left me feeling hopeful to see that other marriages are going through almost the exact problems my marriage is going through. I could relate to a lot of what was said in this book. I was so happy to see the word I've been looking for to tell my husband how I've been feeling and that is a loss of connection at times when I really need to have him present with me in the moment. At the same time I loved the authors ideas on self-differentiation. It's exactly what I needed and explained what I've been going through the past 8 years of our 10 year marriage.
The authors style of writing is very educated and I did have to pick up a dictionary a couple times to understand what he was saying but it was so worth it. I loved how he kept you hanging while reading this book by hooking you in with phrases like "I'll talk more about that at the end of the chapter" which of course meant I wasn't putting the book down until I got to the end of the chapter.
You do have to be an adult in a maturity sort of way to read this book. There are some explicit erotic pages that helped you connect and relate to the characters he was portraying.
My husband is now reading this book, and I plan on reading it again and also looking for more works by this author.
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
Gutwrenching, lifechanging, gutwrenching, 2008-10-01
I went over the hell of pain reading this book. I made skyscraper of realizations, and so far made only couple of floors of improvements. I am still in 'five steps forward, four steps back' motion while working on myself. But this lifechanging book... I would recommend it to anyone - married or single, it does not matter. It also does not matter where your lack of integrity pops up - be it work, social life, friendship or marriage. It will pop up everywhere and is rooted in the same causes pointed out in book.
Instead of being purely behavioral guide, like most books are, this book, with reader's will, can help mobilize what is best in them, not just follow checkbox guide. English is my 3rd language, and book is much more difficult to read than say, 'Seven Principles' by Gotham, which was a breeze compared to 'Passionate Marriage'.
I am so grateful and proud for being able to feel and taste pure, distilled love for my wife and for other people in my life. This is unbelievable state I wish more people to know of. Our sex and lives are changing at fast pace every day in every aspect, and only I read the book (but I share my findings about myself with her if I want to (yeah, acting differentiated :) ) ). Your spouse doesn't have to read it. As Dr. Schnarch says 'it takes two to screw marriage, and one to fix it'.
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
 Keeping love, 2008-08-01
It's about resolving the issues in a relationship in a way that results in great sex, rather than the other way around.I love about this book is that it isn't just about having great sex/chemistry/passion in general but about having those things with your partner.
The perfect match with this book is I Love You. Now What?: Falling in Love is a Mystery, Keeping It Isn't
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Great, 2008-07-30
I have learned that it's fine to think about myself first, even during sex. This book freed us from the specter of uneven sexual desire, and battles about oral sex. I also recommend an amazing book in this topic I Love You. Now What?: Falling in Love is a Mystery, Keeping It Isn't
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