Emotional Unavailability : Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap

"Bryan Collins explores the common problem of emotional unavailability from an original, practical, and non-judgemental perspective. This book offers usable solutions to this human dilemma."
Michael Share, Psy.D., L.P.

"Emotional Unavailability is an innotive look at ho a person's emotional style impacts his or her relationship patterns. The book goes beyond definitions of the various styles to provide techniques and tools for change."
James W. Keenan, M.S., L.P.,
Director Power of Relationships, PA

"I kept falling into stories that sounded uncomfortably like some that litter my own personal landscape."
Trudi Hahn
Minneapolis Star Tribune

"Bryn Collins examines the reasons we get into painful, frustrating relationships, and how we can make positive changes without blaming ourselves."
Gerrie E. Summers
Today's Black Woman

In this groundbreaking book, psychologist Bryn Collins opens up the discussion about life with an emotionally unavailable person. Using case studies, quizzes, and jargon-free, easy-to-understand concepts, she profiles the mos common types of emotionally unavailable partners, then offers the skills you need to change these painful associations. Based on her extensive clinical experience, she offers ways to recognize "toxic types" before you get too deeply involved, and she gives the emotionally unavailable partner techniques that teach how to connect with anothe person.

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All Customer Reviews
Average Customer Review:
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Helped tremendously and well worth it!, 2008-07-17
Being in an emotionally unavailable relationship myself, this book jumped out at me and has kept me glued to the pages since. It is very well written - flowing nice & easy to understand. I found MANY "ah-ha's!" and she has helped me see things clearly and put so many things into perspective. Collins has definitely helped me recognize and understand the patterns and types of people that has no doubt become a huge step in my growth as a person and in relationships. I recommend this book to ANYone, especially if you are in a relationship where you are constantly left feeling confused.


0 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Technically Good, 2008-07-08
I think this is a good book but it's a bit more technical or involved than the last one I read.


0 of 0 people found the following review helpful:

This Book is a Must Read to Understand Different Types of Emotional Unavailability, 2008-05-23
I stumbled on this little book by accident. Since reading it (over and over again)and absorbing its basic messages, I make a point of referring it to friends as a very good place to begin the journey away from hurtful, toxic relationships. Its simple approach to a very big topic allows those of us who were not schooled in psychology to grasp the nuances of hard-wired behaviors that prevent some people from really connecting with others in a healthy manner. I was able to finally understand that sophistocated, polite or ardent behavior can mask emotional unavailability in the courting phase of a relationship, and that these behaviors should not signal the end of one's inquiry into whether an individual is relationship material - quite to the contrary... they should be a red flag to go slow and dig deeper. I keep this book by my bedside and pull it out often. It has value not only with regard to love relationships, but with work and familial relationships as well. Its a winner for me and I recommend it highly.


0 of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Collins lives up to subtitle's promise: recognize, understand, avoid emotional unavailability, 2008-01-02
In an easy-to-read format, complete with boldface subheadings, short chapters, interesting client stories, and summary boxes, Collins helps us heal from bad relationships. This concepts in this book can even be applied to people have problems with emotionally unavailable parents.

First, we learn about the different types of emotionally unavailable people. (I've dated Romeos, Mama's Boys, and Slippery Critters.) After a comprehensive background on feelings vs. emotions, Collins delves a little deeper into the problematic relationships with emotionally unavailable people. We even learn about emotionally unavailable parents! Finally, we're given tools to use in decoding emotionally unavailable people and defending ourselves in such relationships.

Collins offers "explanations" not "excuses".

Collins teaches us about the Gray Zone. From p. 46, " Emotionally unavailable people have almost completely lost touch with their emotions. ... People who suffer temporary disconnection eventually recover their feelings bit by bit. Emotionally unavailable people come from another perspective entirely: the Gray Zone." Also, "The Gray Zone has its origin in childhood experiences. People who are in the Gray Zone learned not to trust their emotions in childhood; consequently, they have trouble makinh emotional connections in their adult lives" (pp. 46- 47). How do people in the Gray Zone live? They "do feel some emotions, but only the really big ones. Great highs and deep lows. No love, only passions. Not irritations, only rage. No sadness, only despair" (p. 47).

Collins is not a 12-step counselor and does not freely throw around the word "addiction". (The 12-steps do not work for everyone, and from what she says, I now understand the reason.) From pahe 18, " ...I do not subscribe to the current theory that everything is an addiction, a model that dominates a lot of therapeautic approaches. I believe addiction should have a very narrow definition, which only includes physical dependence on a substance. I do not believe a person's negative choices or behavioral responses to his or her experiential history constitute an addiction." Also, "I believe oeioke become addicited to addictive substances..., but I don't believe people become addicted to behaviors (sex, gambling, shopping, etc.)" p. 161.

And, Collins should be commended for not throwing around the pop-psych term "dysfinctional". She gives us a working definition, as well as cautionary advice about using it to describe every family situation.

I recommend this book for anyone who needs to heal from emotionally unavailable relationships. I even saw some of my former friends in the Daddy's Girl description, and so I gave my closure regarding those friendships. I am happily married, but I needed to heal from my past relationships. This book was just what I needed!!!


1 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Great until the last chapter, 2007-09-16
This is a great book, and I wish the author would update it based on more recent research. I think all of us can find ourselves in this book in part.

But in chapter 17, where the author says the emotionally unavailable partner drifts through relationships, & when they get too uncomfortable, they leave, he's not up on current research, and also contradicts himself. Think about it: If the point of players, blamers, & fixers are to control the relationship, why would they leave? It works for them!! They have all the power. It is the person who attempts to work with, cooperate, and "goes along to get along" with the emotionally unavailable person that finally comes to their senses, realizes they can not "fix" the unavailable person, and then leaves. At which the unavailable person becomes hugely distraut that the leaver is the one with the problems: "Your father had a mid-life crises, and abandoned the family!!" "No mom, he abandoned you, not me, when you blamed him." Or if someone is the victim of the "fixer" they withdraw quietly, and stop telling them what's going on their lives. Fixers & Blamers do not "drift", they are actively over-involved in their relationships. My suspicion is that the author at some time was left or abandoned in a relationship. I'm guessing he's a blamer, or since he does seem altuistic, a fixer.

Great books to read on this are Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships and Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life, Revised Edition.

If you want to help others, and are a fixer, then a good read is I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better.

For the reviewer who's partner rated himself as "glad" but rejects her from the party, that's a player. Wonderful charming, too busy for her but needs plenty of breathing space. Emotionally connects by arguments. Feels drowned by "needy" people. This is not emotional unavailability as much as a personality type (SPs on Myers Briggs) who can't ask for the autonomy & breathing space they need. Books to read are True Loves: Finding the Soul in Relationships (out of print? Read about the Mercurial Lover) and Survival Games Personalities Play - Check out the game "Blackmail" or "Uproar."

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