by Patrick Carnes Ph.D.
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Product Description
Second Edition
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Average Customer Review:
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful:
 Very satisfied, 2009-12-30
This book is informative and comprehensive. I especially appreciated the various tools given to increase awareness.
6 of 6 people found the following review helpful:
Help for sexual addiction, 2008-12-26
It is becoming increasingly important for counsellors and psychotherapists to educate themselves about the issue of Sexual Addiction, which can be defined as out-of-control and damaging sexual behaviour in relation to Internet sex, prostitution, telephone sex, multiple affairs etc. Modern society provides a huge range of options for artificially enhanced, relatively impersonal sexual stimulation, and in our counselling practices we are more frequently meeting clients who may be addicted in some of these areas.
I recommend this new 2nd edition of Carnes' book as an introduction to the subject. Carnes has been the field leader in Sexual Addiction counselling since publishing "Out of the Shadows" in 1983, and the present book accessibly summarises his thinking about the problem, along with approaches for helping those who may be struggling with it. The main addition since the 1st edition is a more detailed exploration of the growing phenomenon of Cybersex (Internet sex) addiction.
Having been involved in the development of addiction treatment/recovery in the USA for many years, Carnes' thinking is a blend of influences taken from 12-Step programmes such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous, from Cognitive-Behavioural techniques such as written inventories and challenging core beliefs, and from relevant neurobiological findings. He has a deep understanding of the nature of Addictive Behaviours over and above the familiar example of Chemical Dependency, and his key contribution to the field may be his description of the Sexual Addiction Cycle, where Preoccupation leads to Ritualisation, which leads to addictive Acting Out behaviours; the Pain arising from this acting out can then be numbed by further Preoccupation, which closes the self-perpetuating cycle.
Carnes is also known for his Tasks approach to recovery. In this book he focuses on what he sees as the first 7 recovery tasks:
1. Breaking through denial
2. Understanding addiction
3. Surrendering to the process
4. Limiting damage
5. Establishing sobriety
6. Ensuring physical integrity
7. Participating in a culture of support
In earlier books he included Reducing Shame, which he now leaves until the second phase of recovery. My own experience, and those of many other therapists working with the Centre for Sexual Addictions, is that it is important to address the issue of shame and self-hatred at an early stage. Clients may see themselves and their sexuality in a very negative light, perhaps partly due to the negativity towards sexuality which has been a part of Irish culture, and may be in danger of trying to force themselves into the opposite extreme of complete avoidance and denial of sexuality (Carnes is alert to this danger, calling it Sexual Anorexia, and he has written an important book on the subject, entitled "Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred").
Perhaps the main strength of this book is that it can be useful to both therapist and client alike, and while I have never worked through the whole book with any client, we can together make productive use of some of the handouts/exercises/inventories (for instance, the Consequences Inventory).
Eoin Stephens is Director of Education & Training at PCI College, and at the Centre for Sexual Addictions (www.csa-addictions.ie), a division of the Institute for Behavioural & Mental Health (www.ibmh.info).
8 of 8 people found the following review helpful:
 Amazing, 2008-06-16
This author (Patrick Carnes) is the most knowledgable person on the topic of Sexual Addiction. This book is good for people who like to have a workbook. There are a lot of quizzes and journaling places, so you can really get to the bottom of your problems. If you are not going to want to journal or take quizzes in the book, I would reccommend some of his other books. I hear great things about his original "facing the shadow" book. I kind of wish I had bought that one actually.
5 of 13 people found the following review helpful:
Advancement and Continuation of " Don't Call It Love", 2008-05-15
Key strategy- work to FINISH THINGS / close unhealthy relationships = eliminate past limiting believes! Addicts do not finish things- prefer to "keep options open." Thrives in unfinished business. Starting more than you can finish leads to CRISIS. ENDING THINGS adds substantially to recovery. Addicts avoid completing their conversations. Important feelings and facts are not communicated. Conflict not resolved. PAIN ACCUMULATES. Increase PAIN AND COST TO STOP. Childhood needed something you didn't receive- trust, security, safety, non-sexual affection, both parents together. Normalcy. RESPONSIBILITY TO THOSE YOU HAVE HURT. NEGATIVE EMOTIONS ARE TRANSFERRED TO CHILDREN. Addictive sex feels shameful, illicit, stolen, exploitive, and joyless. Healthy sex- adds to self-esteem, is mutual, intimate, fun, and playful. Fighting= act of trust- focus on issues. - Give outcome to God. Horniness = loneliness. When in doubt, don't. Secrets will separate you from others in recovery. Get a pet. Avoid the feeling that you are a victim. Be gentle w/ yourself about old tortuous conflicts. They are not about you! They never were! Recovery= burst of creativity. NURTURING- Learning how to care for themselves and to allow others to care for them IS essential RECOVERY TASK. Intimacy= shared experiences! FIDELITY TO YOURSELF is the ultimate act of faithfulness to the other. Trust yourself. It's as hard for your partner as it is for you! Admit mistakes. Share Spirituality. Have fun together - common experiences. Recovery brings awareness of abuse. Sustain from sex w/o intimacy. Talk before, during, and after - dreate a ritual. Compliment your partner. Respect boundaries. Pay attention to feelings. See Sex as a legitimate joy! Take care of your body. Express attraction. Work on friendship and companionship. Fast-forward the relationship. This is even closer to a cure. Other excellent points are in II Corinthians; The Message.
29 of 32 people found the following review helpful:
Good "Starter" Book..., 2007-01-25
The book is comprehensive, well-researched, and well-presented. I did learn a lot from the book, and I would recommend this book to other people beginning recovery from SA. The book talks about the ten types/stages of courtship and how sexual addiction can affect an addict, so you can diagnose yourself and where you're having difficulties from the charts. It also talks about how slips are like boulders falling off a hill, and there's a great illustration to explain that and how bottomlines can help you.
What was missing for me, and hence the 4 stars, was the lack of content regarding "Relationship Recovery" part. There isn't much indication on how to go about dating the right way for S&L addicts - for example, if you saw the chart and realized you have problems with "seduction" phase of the courtship, you know you have this, but the book doesn't help you to revert this, or suggest what you're supposed to do with the diagnosis, other than "abstinence".
I would say this is a great resource for Sex Addicts in Recovery, but if you are a Sex AND Love Addict in recovery - this book won't fulfill all your needs. I don't know; perhaps Carnes has written a separate book for Love Addiction that I haven't checked out yet.
I would say I'm about 85% satisfied with the information provided by the book, and roughly 70% satisfied with the purchasing of this book.
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