Grown-up Marriage: What We Know, Wish We Had Known, and Still Need to Know About Being Married

In a grown-up marriage the laughter exceeds the regret.
In a grown-up marriage we've learned to forgive and forget. Well, maybe not forget.
In a grown-up marriage we do not keep score -- at least, not out loud.

Although marriage is for grown-ups, very few of us are grown up when we marry. What is a grown-up marriage? Can we achieve one? Here, from the bestselling author of Suddenly Sixty and Necessary Losses comes her best ever -- a life-affirming book on the difficulties and possibilities of being well and enduringly wed.

For years, hundreds of thousands of readers have enjoyed Judith Viorst's poetry and prose on the challenging, sometimes hilarious subject of marriage. Now, in this thought-provoking new book, she helps married couples of every age and stage figure out how they might create a grown-up marriage.

Blending interviews of married women and men with the findings of couples therapists, the truths offered by literature and the movies, and a bemused exploration of her own marriage, Viorst illuminates the issues couples struggle with from "I do" to "till death do us part." She examines marital rivalry, marital manners, marital sex (not always with the person to whom we're married), fighting and apologies, and the boredom and the bliss of ordinary everyday married life. All aspects of marriage -- from the early years when we wonder "Who is this person?" and "What am I doing here?" to divorcing or almost divorcing, marrying again, growing older and old together -- are explored with honesty, humanity, and humor, with a rueful recognition of how tough it is to be married and -- if we can make it -- how precious it is.

Viorst's insights into what it takes to stay married -- a commitment to preserve and defend our marriage against all attacks, including our own; the recognition that courtesy and charm, like charity, begin at home; the honoring of each other's good intentions and good will, even when we don't get what we need; the adaptations and compromises; the just plain dumb luck and the hard, hard work -- have something to offer everyone, even the most abidingly married among us. Fascinating, funny, and perceptive, Viorst's Grown-up Marriage will enrich the lives of all her readers.

Amazon.com Review
In Grown-Up Marriage, bestselling author Judith Viorst uses her abundant gifts to consider how marriage pulls, cajoles, and commands us to grow up. By viewing marriage "as a problem we have to solve again and again," Viorst offers a fresh view of both the mirages of marriage and how readers can adjust their expectations to create an enduring state of the union. Complacency, warns Viorst, is the bind that unties. "If we imagine that marriage is where we can burp, bitch, snicker and snipe day after day without paying a price, we are wrong." She crafts a smart synthesis of decades of psychological research, case studies, and examples drawn from popular culture. Viorst rounds up the usual suspects--the routines that kill marriage, the outlaw in-laws, the mommy-daddy trap--and the unusual ones, including marital sibling rivalry and why second marriages often fail. Each subject is illuminated with nuanced, mirthful details about creating a mature marriage. Her insights are sometimes diluted with too many expert quotes or her own poetry. Still, her shrewd observations will make this book required reading before your next anniversary. --Barbara Mackoff

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All Customer Reviews
Average Customer Review:
8 of 8 people found the following review helpful:

A Marital Must Read , 2005-07-29
This book should be compulsory reading for any couple contemplating marriage. In a sometimes gut-wrenching analysis of modern marriage, Viorst spells out the fallacies of our society's view on marital bliss in a way that will challenge and, on occasion, shock you with its ability to reflect your own romantic relationship.

One of the most provocative chapters is, "The First Shocks of Marriage." This chapter outlines the expectations we bring into marriage and the feelings of betrayal that result when those expectations are invariably, and sometimes brutally, crushed. As a divorced, middle-aged woman with many female friends who maintain a 'revolving door' of romantic relationships, the concept of feeling emotionally betrayed is one that will speak to every woman...and should be understood by every man. Viorst cites the common female viewpoint that "marriage should be nothing less than love, adoration, companionship, physical intimacy, emotional availability, respect, humor and tolerance." And the male viewpoint Viorst cites is one that expects a wife to "respect his need for autonomy and give him plenty of room to do his own thing." Yet, if anything, the reality of marriage teaches us that we often won't get all, or even some, of what we expected.

One lesson every individual who reads this book should learn, and learn, and learn yet once again, is that marriage is work...Work...WORK. This book, like no other I have read, made me question whether I'm up to it. :-) It also made me realize that, when it does work, when both halves of the couple (not either/or) are willing to work diligently at keeping the dream alive, the reward is priceless.


1 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Great book., 2005-06-27
I've been married one year, have just read this book and I loved it. The book promotes standing by your partner. My parents were divorced, and according to this book it puts me at a greater risk of getting divorced. With that in mind, I'll work as hard as I can on taking good care of my marriage.


5 of 5 people found the following review helpful:

May have saved my marriage!, 2004-07-10
This is a terrific book for anyone at any stage in marriage - I read it as I was on the brink of divorce, I read most of it and had suggested to my husband that he read a chapter of it. Things have turned around and we are on the road to repair and re-comittment it seems, this book may have saved us.

Judith has wit and charm and sensibility combined to talk about various aspects of marriage, about everyday marriage - and how to improve it, about how various factors can affect marriage at various stages. Thumbs, fingers and toes are all up for Judiths book!


10 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

Wow! Insightful book on married life, 2003-12-16
Judith Viorst has articulated some profound insights on married life- why do we choose to get married, why do marriages fail, why do we stay married. She addresses some of the problems marriages today face- infidelity, "sibling rivalry", yet the book is a surprisingly uplifting celebration of married life and the value of sticking it out through the tough times.


18 of 18 people found the following review helpful:

Terrific insights into relationships, 2003-04-05
I wish this book had been written a year ago when my own "starter marriage" was falling apart. There were so many instances in the book where I could point to a passage and say, "Yep! That's us." "That's totally what happened to us too!" etc. It might have saved my marriage. But I'm glad to have read this book later rather than never. With an impressive understanding of human nature, Viorst touches upon the many delicate interrelational factors that causes strain in people's marriages as well as second (and third) marriages, and why seemingly happy couples divorce while destructive, unhappy couples stay together. This is a worthwhile, mandatory read for every couple who plans to get married or is already married or might be thinking of divorce. Do your loved ones a favor and give this book to a future bride or bridegroom as a wedding gift. It's one of the best relationship tune-ups you'll read.

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