When You Say Yes but Mean No: How Silencing Conflict Wrecks Relationships and Companies... and What You Can Do About It

by Leslie Perlow

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We live in a culture—especially at work—that prefers harmony over discord, agreement over dissent, speed over deliberation. We often smile and nod to each other even though deep down we could not disagree more. Whether with colleagues, friends, or family members, the tendency to paper over differences rather than confront them is extremely common. We believe that the best thing to do to preserve our relationships and to ensure that our work gets done as expeditiously as possible is to silence conflict.

Let’s face it, most bosses don’t encourage us to share our differences. Indeed, many people are taught that
loyal employees accept corporate values, policies, and decisions—never challenging or questioning them. If we want to hold on to our jobs and move up in our organizations, stifling conflict is the safest way to do it—or so we believe.

And it is not just with our bosses that we fear raising a dissenting opinion. We worry about what our peers and even our subordinates may think of us. We don’t want to embarrass ourselves or create a bad impression. We don’t want to lose others’ respect or risk rejection.

We often associate conflict with its negative form—petty bickering, heated arguing, a bloody fight. But conflict can also be a source of creative energy; when handled constructively by both parties, differences can lead to a healthy and fruitful collaboration, creation, or construction of new knowledge or solutions. When we silence conflict, we avoid the possibility of negative conflict, but we also miss the potential for constructive conflict.

Worse yet, as Leslie Perlow documents, the act of silencing conflict may create the consequences we most dread. Tasks frequently take longer or never get done successfully, and silencing conflict over important issues with people for whom we care deeply can result in disrespect for, and devaluing of, those same people.
Each time we silence conflict, we create an environment in which we’re all the more likely to be silent next time. We get caught in a vicious “silent spiral,” making the relationship progressively less safe, less satisfying, and less productive. Differences get glossed over, patched over, and suppressed . . . until disaster happens.

“Saying yes when you really mean no” is a problem that haunts organizations from start-ups to multi-
nationals. It exists across industries, levels, and functions. And it’s exacerbated by a down economy, when the fear of losing one’s job is on everybody’s mind and the idea of allowing conflict to surface or disagreeing with others seems particularly risky. All too often, the conversation at work bespeaks harmony and togetherness, even though passionate disagreements exist beneath the surface.

Leslie A. Perlow is a corporate ethnographer, an anthropologist of corporate culture. Anthropologists like Margaret Mead spend years in the field studying exotic cultures. Perlow does the same, although the field for her is the office and the exotic people are us—those who work in the world of organizations. But the end result is no less surprising or rich in insight. Whether it’s a Fortune 500 firm, small business, or government bureaucracy, Perlow provides a keen understanding of the hidden issues behind what people say (and don’t say). And more important, she shows how to create relationships where individuals feel empowered to express their genuine thoughts and feelings and to harness the power of positive conflict.

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Average Customer Review: 5 out of 5 stars

13 of 16 people found the following review helpful:

5 out of 5 stars

Excellent Read, 2003-06-21
Picture the scene. Your leadership team is sitting in all day meeting discussing the vision of the future for your company or a new initiative. By the end of the day, everybody is in agreement and consensus about the direction or plan. Everybody nods his or her head and expresses how valuable the day has been. And then you all go home, and think what a waste of time that day really was. Sound familiar? In When You Say Yes But Mean No Leslie Perlow, in her role of corporate culture anthropologist, examines the reasons behind this and other similar situations when the true source of differences in opinion is never expressed. This lack of understanding is highly detrimental to both the company and its employees.

Perlow's empirical research for the book is focused on companies that were born in the high growth, high stakes games of the dot com era, where corporate culture formation and working relationships are accelerated, and is reminiscent of the way a scientist uses fruit flies to study lifecycles. Her findings are directly applicable to larger, mature corporations, and ManyWorlds, in its work with large clients has often seen the scenarios presented.

The `Silent Spiral' is the term given to the systematic silencing of differences that people feel is appropriate. Voicing differences is often felt to be wrong, not being a `teamplayer' or not playing by the rules of the game. Not speaking up, though Perlow argues, sends us on a spiral of destructive emotions, making employees feel their opinions are not valued, killing their creativity and not giving feedback that is direly needed for the good of the company.

In part, this spiraling is due to the sense of urgency that pervades today's society and corporations. The author says we often bite our tongue, thinking to ourselves, `we just need to get on with it. We don't have time to worry about it now.' A `lack of input and hasty deliberations that can lead to an inferior decision-making process and to less potential for creativity and learning.'

So how to escape the silent spiral? Perlow suggests the approach of `seeking mutual understanding' and illustrates this through copious scenarios to demonstrate the nuances to what might seem an easily dismissable technique. By seeking the reasons why another person may have a different opinion, it is possible to uncover `the core issues in important relationships.' In the words of Steven Covey, `seek first to understand and then to be understood.' If you can fully appreciate the gravitas and implications of these words, then you have the knowledge to stop the spiral. But the best way to defeat the silent spiral is to understand why, how and where it occurs, which Leslie Perlow deftly demonstrates in this articulate and clear work. Recommended reading for all managers and executives who recognize the importance of subtext in meetings and cultures, and this book would be an excellent starting and talking point on the journey to establishing mutual understanding.

6 of 7 people found the following review helpful:

5 out of 5 stars A Management Must-Read, 2003-06-03
Leslie Perlow s When You Say Yes but Mean No is that rarest of breeds: a business book that not only sheds light on a critical management problem, but proposes concrete and workable solutions while being engaging and readable to boot.

She loads her text with sharp anecdotes perfectly illustrating her thesis on the value of constructive conflict and the importance of dissenting opinion. Her examination of the rise and eventual downfall of a startup provides a clear and comprehensive illustration of the problem of silenced conversation which, in the next section, she lays out a plan for fixing. Regardless of industry or function, every businessperson will find themselves and their own experiences in these pages and nod enthusiastically in agreement with its conclusions.

A first-rate examination of a problem all managers experience but few have the insight much less the tools to go about solving. A must-read for anyone willing to create effective communications within their organization once and for all and move From Good to Great .

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