The Four Things That Matter Most: A Book About Living

In The Four Things That Matter Most, Dr. Ira Byock, an international leader in palliative care, teaches us how to practice these life-affirming words in our day-to-day lives. Too often we assume that the people we love really know we love them. Dr. Byock reveals the value of stating the obvious and provides insights into how we burden ourselves by hanging on to old grudges unconsciously and unnecessarily. He shows us how to avoid living with those awkward silences and uncomfortable issues that distance us from the people we love and erode our sense of well-being and joy. His insights and stories help us to forgive, appreciate, love, and celebrate one another more fully.

The inspiring stories in The Four Things That Matter Most demonstrate the usefulness of the Four Things in a wide range of life situations. They also show that a degree of emotional healing is always possible and that we can experience a sense of wholeness even in the wake of family strife, personal tragedy, divorce, or in the face of death. With practical wisdom and spiritual punch, The Four Things That Matter Most gives us the language and guidance to honor and experience what really matters most in our lives every day.

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All Customer Reviews
Average Customer Review:
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful:

This book unveils what must absolutely be said and done in life and in death, 2008-10-25
I work with Hospice patients and their families on a regular basis. The book has this incredible grasp on you once you first begin reading it. Once you've finished, it's nearly impossible NOT to implement the FOUR THINGS in both your own life as a living being and in the lives of those you come into contact with; the dying and their families, and even those that surround you everyday. An absolute must read for ALL~whether or not you work in Palliative Care. A book to be treasured, passed on, donated, given as a gift. Life Changing.


0 of 0 people found the following review helpful:

The Four Things, 2008-06-28
Awesome book. A must read for everyone who wants to celebrate life and their relationships!


6 of 6 people found the following review helpful:

You MUST READ THIS BOOK!, 2007-10-03
2 days ago I spent 2 hours with my mother who is sick and not expected to live to much longer.

I haven't spent time with her like that for 17 years.

Over the years there have been so many misunderstandings, cross words, mean letters, siblings fighting and talking about each other and I honestly thought it was hopeless. I thought I would never see my mother again. Ever. It was a MESS!

But, it became obvious with lots of work and support over the years that what I wanted most was to tell my mom I love her and how much I appreciate all she has done for me. My severe depression was based on the thought that I literally thought that was impossible.

A few weeks ago, I (well, we) decided it didn't matter the outcome; I had to tell her anyway. I was prepared for the worst. I wrote out the scenarios and read them to my husband and therapist. They helped me visualize and come to grips with how I would handle whatever the outcome would be. Of course part of me really wanted it to go well but no one thought it would.

6 days ago, while preparing I found this book online. I immediately went to the library and got it (only because I couldn't buy it in time! We were leaving in 3 days!!)

I read the entire book that night. OH my gosh. I cried and cried and cried. I prayed that I would have an experience that was good. But I knew I probably wouldn't. But something Dr. Byock said several times about how your loved ones will always live within you struck me. And I knew that is exactly what was driving me crazy.

I KNEW I loved my mom. I KNEW she had done so much for me and THAT'S what I wanted in my heart. That's it. I don't want anymore sadness and hate. I don't want to be confused. I love my mom and that's what I want to feel in my heart and that's what I wanted her to feel in her heart.

So, I had already written a letter to her, but I adapted it to incorporate the 4 things. I bought some beautiful paper and I decorated it. I printed some pictures of her grandchildren. I did it all with only love. All I thought about was I love my mom and even if she can't hear it I know it. I love her and I forgive her and I pray she forgives me. I don't care what anyone else in the family thinks. Maybe she won't want to see me. I'll leave her the letter. I'll put it on the doorstep. I'll pray that someone will give it to her. If she can't read it I'll pray that someone will read it to her. And if not, I made a copy for myself to remind me of how much I love my mom and appreciate all she did for me.

I read the book again the next day (5 days ago). I was so scared to go see her but I knew my only option was to just show up. If I involved anyone else in the family it would become a big drama or I might be talked out of it.

As we drove up even though I was filled sometimes with dread to face the worst, I kept the 4 things in mind always. That's it. That's what it comes down to. Nothing else matters. I told my friends about the 4 things (our best friends who we stopped to stay the night with before I went the rest of the trip.) I wasn't excited or happy about going to my parents house, but I knew I had too.

I was able to visualize that there would be NO drama no matter what - because I would focus ONLY on the 4 things. If someone else in the family happened to be there and wanted to create drama I wouldn't engage because all I cared about was "I love you, Please forgive me, Thank you and I forgive you." And to be honest, I was afraid BEFORE I READ YOUR BOOK that I would want to create drama.

Well, God was on our side.

I drove up just as my dad was bringing my mom back from the doctor.

One of my sisters was walking over to help her out of the car. She saw me and after a few seconds recognized me. I told her all I wanted to do was to tell mom I love her and to ask her to please forgive me for all the hurt feelings. I told her to ask mom if it was OK for me to come in. She said it was a miracle.......

Then I spent 2 lovely hours with my mom, my dad and my sister. The biggest miracle and what I will FOREVER BE GRATEFUL FOR is I was most with my mom. I wanted my mom to know how much I loved her and how grateful I was for her and for what she did for me and my sons. I was able to share with HER my love and my appreciation for the life she gave me and the gifts she bestowed on me and my sons. And because I was clear in my intentions of the 4 things and not all clouded up with past judgments and hurts I could COMMUNICATE THAT 100%!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think my mom will be around for while and I am going to arrange for my grown sons to visit her. I will remain committed to the 4 things with her and the rest of my family.

No matter what happens in the future I have those 2 hours with my mom. I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me.

I recommend this book to everyone.



3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

The Four Things That Matter Most: A Book About Living, 2007-09-06
I'm studying to be a Geriatric Care Manager and purchased this book to help me understand the needs of the families of the dying. From this book I learned how transformative these four statements can be when facing the terminal illness of a loved one. They are tools for deep communication and for solving long standing problems in relationships- allowing true emotional healing to occur even under the most difficult circumstances. Dr. Byock's message is genius in its simplicity. I really appreciate his compassionate work and his profound message about living and dying.
I recommend this book to anyone who is looking deeply into the meaning of his or her own life or who is going through a difficult time due to the terminal illness of a family member or friend.


3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Another great book by Byock, 2007-06-26
Wow! It's all so simple yet it bears repeating . . the four things that matter most. As someone who works with hospice, I get so much from everything Mr. Byock shares from his experiences in the field. If you have difficult relationships, especially with family members, this is a great book to read and really take in. It's so much better to finish relationships well than to live with regret--and not only when someone is dying! Thanks again to Ira for sharing with all of us.

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