by Elizabeth Marquardt
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| List Price: | $24.95 |
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| Lowest New Price: | $5.68 |
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Product Description
A compelling new study reveals the true effects of divorce
An astonishing one quarter of adults between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five have grown up in divorced families. Now, as this generation comes of age, Between Two Worlds will speak to them like no other book.
Elizabeth Marquardt (together with sociologist Norval Glenn) conducted a pioneering new national study of the children of divorce, surveying 1,500 young adults from both divorced and intact families and interviewing more than seventy of them at length. In Between Two Worlds, she weaves the findings of that study together with powerful, unsentimental stories of the childhoods of young people from divorced families—as well as her own story of growing up as a child of divorce. She asks us to acknowledge that children are profoundly shaped by divorce, even though, as adults, they might be accomplished and seem “fine.” While many experts maintain that there are “good divorces,” praise the idea of “blended families,” and assure divorced parents that kids are resilient, Marquardt calls this “happy talk” and warns that it causes children to bury their real feelings.
The hard truth, she says, is that while divorce is sometimes necessary, there is no such thing as a good divorce. An amicable divorce is certainly better than a bitter one, but even amicable divorces sow lasting inner conflict in the lives of children. When a family breaks in two, children who stay in touch with both parents must travel between two worlds, trying alone to reconcile their parents’ often strikingly different beliefs, values, and ways of living. Even a “good divorce” restructures childhood itself.
Not surprisingly, many children of divorce seem like old souls. Often they feel like they have a different identity in each of their parents’ worlds. Secrets are epidemic. Home feels less safe, and they are far less likely than the children of intact marriages to go to their parents for comfort or emotional support. Some question their parents’ morality and choices. Like their peers from intact families, they long for spirituality, but their feelings of loss, mistrust, and anger toward their parents deeply complicate their spiritual journeys—even translating into anger at God.
Marquardt’s data is undeniably compelling, but at the heart of her book are stories—of reunions with one parent that were always partings from the other, of struggles to adapt to a parent’s moods, of the burden of having to figure out the important questions in life alone. Authoritative, beautifully written, and filled with brave, sad, unflinchingly honest voices, Between Two Worlds is a book of transforming power for the adult children of divorce, whose real experiences have for too long gone unrecognized.
Based on a pioneering new study, Between Two Worlds is a book of transforming power for anyone who grew up with divorced parents.
After the divorce, our parents may no longer have been in conflict, but the conflict between their worlds was still alive. Yet instead of being in the open, visible to outsiders, the conflict between their worlds migrated and took root within us. When we sought our own identities—when we asked “Who am I?”—we were confronted with two wholly separate ways of living. Any answer we gleaned from one world could be undermined by looking at the other. Being too much like Dad could threaten the Mom-self inside us, and vice versa. These conflicts were not raised in conversation with or between our parents, or with anybody else, but internally. We were one in our bodies but we did not feel one inside. Even the “good divorce” left us struggling with divided selves. —from Between Two Worlds
Average Customer Review:
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful:
PARENTS: a fascinating read if you're not divorced, devastating if you are!, 2008-11-14
I HIGHLY, HIGHLY, HIGHLY recommend this book for parents and parents-to-be who are still married! Those who will benefit range from parents who want to strengthen an already strong marriage to those who are considering divorce. If you are already divorced or at the irreconcilable stage, you'll want to do a serious gut check before you read this because there is no ambiguity in this book. Personally, I wouldn't want to read this if I were a divorced parent.
Based on Marquardt's compelling and extensive research, divorce is damaging to children, whether it is a "good" or a "bad" divorce. She states, "...as much as I believe we should support and understand the needs of divorced and single parents, I feel even more strongly that we should not let our concern for them prevent us from looking unflinchingly at the experience of children of divorce." This book is unflinchingly, brutally honest about the negative effects of divorce on children.
The book addresses "What Marriage Does for Children" as well as many issues that children of divorced parents face. I grew up in an intact home, and I was shocked at some of the things children of divorce have to deal with, most of which you would never even imagine. Children of divorce will probably recognize themselves and their experiences, and perhaps feel a kinship with the study participants that might be beneficial. This book would help pastors, teachers, and anyone else who works with children, too, to understand what children of divorce face. This book is so fascinating and compelling, I cannot do it justice without writing an insanely long review, but at $7.99, it is a bargain that you'll enjoy far more than my review! I actually borrowed the book, but every time I try to return it to its rightful owner, I start reading it again! I am getting my own copy.
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful:
 Read this BEFORE you divorce!, 2008-09-23
Another book that is often read after the fact. This book should be required reading in premarital counseling, marriage counseling when children are involved and certainly before two parents make the final decision to divorce. The book has many valid points that are not unobvious but are probably not considered in depth by parents who are about to uproot their children's world. I have read a few books on the subject and I myself am a `child of divorce'. Although these books have valuable information in them I believe they enable a `child of divorce' to blame many of their problems on this fact. I think most if not all children face some kind of hardship and quite honestly, if the only hardship you face is a `good divorce' I think you are still a very fortunate individual. Compare it to poverty, debilitating illness of a parent, death of a parent, addiction (child or parent) violence, sexual abuse, etc. and you are still ahead. Research shows that children of divorce are not any more likely to have a lasting marriage then their parents. This says to me that their parent's divorce did not negatively impact them enough to change the path for their own children.
Obviously, an intact healthy marriage is the ideal way for a child to grow up and I do not condone divorce, but we don't live in a perfect or even ideal world. This book and others I have read on the subject leave little hope for a `child of divorce' to get past this and create an enabling attitude. They state you will be forever affected by your parents' choice. Affected-yeah, but immobilized-no! No one gets to pick their parents and I am sure there are countless numbers of children who would trade places with `children of divorce' and would wind up much better off. If parents contemplating divorce read this book first it would be up them to decide if this is something they `need' to put their children through. It should certainly be avoided if possible but avoidable or not, once a child grows up they have a responsibility to themselves, their spouse and their children to deal with past hurts, disappointments and devastations. Call it callous but at what point do you just say `get over it'? You can't change it. You can only control your future and that of your children.
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
Very Well-Written, 2008-07-17
I never really realized how much my parents' divorce bothered me until I read this book. That is not to say that this book convinced me of something that wasn't true; rather, I couldn't put my finger on what had happened to me until I read this book. I didn't become pregnant at 16 or drop out of school; in fact, I am a "successful" adult by the book's standards. However, I had no idea how to make a relationship work, and I trusted no one. Just knowing why really helped me in my current relationship!
9 of 9 people found the following review helpful:
What the heck are we doing to our children?, 2007-04-29
In "Between Two Worlds" Marquardt, explores the consequences of divorce for children. Marquardt herself was the child of divorce, and it left her caught between two houses and feeling safe nowhere.
The statistics show the changes over the last 50 years. A huge increase in divorce and single parenthood is matched by a huge increase in drug abuse, sexual abuse, school difficulties, and emotional problems for our children.
And yet for 50 years, there have been cheery idiot articles and books about how to manage a "good" divorce. But as Marquardt shows, there are no good divorces for children.
Worse, there doesn't seem to be any easy way to repair the damage. Remarriage, statistically,is tied to an even higher number of problems than mere divorce. It does not replace the first marriage. A raft of grim statistics show just how badly most children fare in blended families. Very few ever feel attached to the new parent, very few ever do well in school again, very few go on to lead happy lives. And the statistics on those who are sexually and emotionally abused in blended families is incredible.
We have harmed our children and therefore we have harmed the future.
14 of 14 people found the following review helpful:
The damning legacy of divorce, 2007-04-19
Since the 1960s, the Western world has embarked upon a novel and large scale social experiment: the demolition of marriage and the elevation of divorce. Never before in the West have so many marriages ended in divorce, and so many children been forced to endure the horrors of parental separation.
This seismic shift in marriage is as new as it is far-reaching. And because it is so recent, it has only been in the past few years that an entire generation of kids who have lived through divorce have grown up and are able to give their version of events.
And that story is uniformly damning: divorce hurts children, and it hurts them deeply and in a myriad of ways. And that hurt continues throughout adult life. Another clear message coming from the these children is that there is no such thing as a "good divorce".
Sure, in some cases divorce is the only option. But in the overwhelming majority of cases, divorce need not have been the option, and children of divorce desperately wished it did not happen. In truth, children of divorce "typically experience painful loses, moral confusion, spiritual suffering, strained or broken relationships, and higher rates of all kinds of social problems". Their world, in other words, is turned upside-down.
Marquardt argues that while divorce is a way for adults to cope with their problems, it is not in the best interests of the child in most cases. Allowing for certain obvious exceptions, most difficult marriages can be remedied if the parents are willing to work at it. Indeed, most marriages that end in divorce - two-thirds of them - are low-conflict. Children do not benefit from parental divorce. Indeed, "the best possible outcome for children is to live in one home with their mother and father".
And Marquardt has double reason to make these claims. One, she is herself the child of a divorce. And two, she has based her conclusions on a pioneering study of 1,500 young adults from both intact and divorced families. The study, conducted by her and sociologist Norval Glenn, have simply verified what most people know by common sense: divorce has numerous negative consequences for children, and many of those consequences stay with them for the rest of their lives.
This book examines in detail these findings. The actual facts and figures are there, but so too are numerous personal testimonies of those involved in the study. They put a human face on to the statistical data. And the face seen is a sad one indeed. Divorce impacts children profoundly, and the stories told here are tragic and moving.
The three year study made many disturbing discoveries. Meaty chapters explore the various negative outcomes for children of divorce. Consider just one area: the divided self of the child of divorce. The child is ripped out of a cohesive and unified environment (even where conflict takes place) and "suddenly inherits two distinct worlds in which to grow up".
Says Marquardt, every marriage experiences conflict, but there is an underlying cohesion and solidarity to the marriage which is radically destroyed by divorce. In marriage two individuals "become one flesh," but in divorce the parents are separated and become two people again. And the child - quite unprepared - is forced to deal with this new reality.
Adds Marquardt, "after a divorce the task that once belonged to the parents - to make sense of their different worlds - becomes the child's. The grown-ups can no longer manage the challenge, so the child is asked to try." But that is an adult responsibility which young children just cannot carry, a burden they cannot - and should not - bear.
As a result, children of divorce are much more likely than children of intact families to experience "confusion, isolation, and suffering". They are forced to become little adults. Their childhood is ripped away from them, and they are forced to grow up way too soon.
In an intact family, the children are the centre, the nucleus, and the parents work to protect them and nurture them. But after divorce, the two parents themselves become the centre, and children are left to fend for themselves.
In effect, adults start acting like children while the child is forced to act like an adult. That is an intolerable weight for any child to have to carry. And on it goes for the child of divorce. One painful chapter after another highlights the tremendous pressures and strains foisted upon the child of divorce, and the long-term wounds they cause.
Marquardt makes it clear that not every divorce is bad, and that she is not trying to argue that divorced parents are bad people. But she does insist that divorce is primarily about adults and their needs, and almost never about children and their needs. Very few have asked how divorce impacts the children involved.
This book makes it quite clear that children are overwhelmingly losers in divorce. There is very little good at all that children receive from parental divorce. The radical restructuring of a child's world after divorce should be our main consideration. But in most cases it is not.
Our world has been transformed from being a marriage-culture to a divorce-culture. Perhaps it is time that we became a child-friendly-culture. As Marquardt says, "we need to make sweeping changes to our thinking about marriage". And this book is a great place to begin with such a rethink.
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