Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including "time-outs"), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send.

More than just another book about discipline, though, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from "doing to" to "working with" parenting -- including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people. This is an eye-opening, paradigm-shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents.

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All Customer Reviews
Average Customer Review:
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful:

This book will change you...in a good way!, 2008-11-22
I've seen it written so many times regarding this book, but I will say it again: This.Book.Will.Change.Your.Life... And, of course, the way you parent. It may provide confirmation to you that your instincts on gentle and life-affirming parenting practices are right-on. But it just as likely will turn everything you have ever learned about discipline and parenting on its head.

Try this one on for size: The "carrot" (positive reinforcement) is just as detrimental to your child's self-esteem as the "stick" (punishment). Yes, you read right. Praise is not the cure-all you have been lead to believe it is. What is important to your child's well-being is that he knows that you love him unconditionally. Which, of course, you do. But does it show through your words and actions? Your intentions are meaningless. All that matters is what your child feels.

Children are people too. In fact, they are probably the center of your universe. So why are we encouraged to treat them as second-class? Why must they bow to their parents' every whim without so much as an explanation? This book will open your mind to the fact that children deserve and need to be respected on the same level that you expect to be as a parent.

After all, are we not trying to raise the next generation of human beings to be compassionate and respectful of others' needs and feelings? This goal will not be accomplished by accident. We have to model the behaviors and attitudes that we want our children to learn are morally sound. If we want them to consider the effect that their actions will have on others, then this is exactly how we must act ourselves. They love and idolize their parents. Why would they not grow up to act exactly as they (we) do?

If you are open to a new--or rather, an old, primal, instinctual--way of thinking about children and parenting, I encourage you to read Healing Our Children: Because Your New Baby Matters! Sacred Wisdom for Preconception, Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting (ages 0-6) by Ramiel Nagel. From preconception through pregnancy, birth and parenting, this book is full of the wisdom you need to succeed at being the parent you truly want to be.


0 of 6 people found the following review helpful:

Not interesting or new, 2008-08-31
I accidently bought the book (by click to buy). It's not interesting or novel. Kohn's original book Punishing by Rewards is worth reading but this one's pointless and the title tells all you need to know, making the book superfluous.


4 of 6 people found the following review helpful:

Stimulates Self-Examination, Lacks in Practical Guidance, 2008-07-24
I like Kohn's challenge to critically examine our parenting practices, keeping in mind our ultimate goals for our children. He makes strong points emphasizing the importance of considering the consequences of our parenting choices, whether they are ostensibly positive, such as praise, or intentionally negative, such as punishment. However, I found myself anxious to get through all the theory to the practical application. My anticipation was never quite quenched by the implementation ideas offered. I found most of them to be lacking in substance and fraught with caveats. I felt that Kohn was often shrugging his shoulders, implying that this is the way things need to be done, even if compliance never happens and the parents' needs are not met. I have taken Kohn's basic premise--that children have a fundamental right to unconditional love--and tried to extend it beyond words to more carefully considered action. I am using more descriptive, rather than evaluative, language when commenting on my three-year-old son's activities, and I have moved away from contingency management discipline, which had lost both its effectiveness and its peacefulness. Still, there are times when compliance is necessary, and I believe that I have rights and needs in the parent-child relationship, too. I frequently find it necessary to impose potential consequences, which Kohn would characterize as threats. When my son resists my requests to stop throwing balls at me while I am working on the computer because it disturbs me, I ultimately resort to saying, "If you want to stay in here with me, you must stop throwing that ball now. Otherwise, you will lose the ball, and you will have to leave the room." I struggle with guilt about saying that after reading Kohn's strong admonitions against threats, consequences and love withdrawal, but the reality is that I am responsible for finding a way to make living with my son tolerable, even enjoyable, for both of us. I am keeping my long-term goals for him in mind, but I am functioning in the present, and I believe that I have a right to live without walking on eggshells to protect my son's fragile psyche at all costs.


3 of 18 people found the following review helpful:

Moronic and Irresponsible, 2008-07-06
Is this why I have to put up with so many brats when I go out in public? Is this the same clueless fool who said you can't spoil a child? At least he admits one of his goals is to tear down the individualism this country is founded upon by replacing systems of rewards and punishment, and the goal of responsibility with navel gazing anarchy. Newsflash, author, we already have a society based on no parenting parenting, I shudder to envision a world of his making that is even more so.


1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

An eye opener!, 2008-06-17
In stead of. 'No, don't do that!' I think, 'Why not?'
My daughter and my husband an I have a lot more fun together now!
I wish I could send this book to every parent.

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